Apple Pie in the Sky

This piece is made up of direct and paraphrased quotes from IM and verbal conversations with the subject of this story, who for the sake of anonymity will be referred to as “Peach.” Her story is one of a somewhat toxic relationship with a guy who will be referred to as “Apple.” In this piece, she explains how things started off sweet and wonderful, how they went south, how and why she ended the relationship, and the thoughts she had after it ended. This relationship lasted a little over a year, from October of her senior year of high school to December of her freshman year of college.

Some of the sentences have been altered slightly for grammatical errors, and the order of sentences has been changed around a bit for the sake of fluidity and literariness. Other corrections have been made such as for spelling, punctuation, and other major typos. For the sake of anonymity, all names in this piece have been replaced with fruits.

I met him [Apple] through friends. He was the friend of Cantaloupe’s [her best friend] boyfriend at the time, and we met and hit it off. I remember what attracted me to him was his smile. He was quiet, and something drew me in. We had similar senses of humor, and he was driven, knew what he wanted to do. He could get sulky, but who doesn't? He had a good relationship with his siblings which I liked. I felt very safe with him in the beginning. Things were really great. I got butterflies. He was my first super serious boyfriend. I was apple pie in the sky happy.

He was a year younger, so me going off to college was something we worried about, but we decided that we wanted to try and continue our relationship. For the first weeks it was fine. We skyped a lot, talked on the phone…

Around September, [the problems] started. He was increasingly unhappy at home, and felt like I was the only one he could rely on. I was transitioning into college life, and I didn’t know how to help him. He was drinking a lot, and I worried about him. I tried to support him, but it was hard considering the distance. I tried to be a support as best I could, and I don’t know if he ever got help for stuff, and he cut me off personally through Facebook. He also didn’t understand the privilege he had, and he looked down on the fact that I went to a state school, not a lot, but it was mentioned off hand.

The night of the solar eclipse on September 27, 2015, Peach sat on a bench outside of the campus center, on the phone with Apple, while she explained her feelings to him.

“You’re the only one.” He started mentioning that we’re gonna get married and have kids. “27 years from now, at the next eclipse, we’re gonna be watching it together.” He thought that I was gonna be with him forever. The thought of that absolutely terrified me. The thought that this was it, that my life sort of ended and began with him. I remember sitting on a bench outside of Poucher, hearing him tell me this, thinking, “I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” That was part of the reason why I started to act the way I did, to pull away the way I did.

In November he came up to visit with some of our other friends, though he was staying the night. I was stressed that day, I remember worrying that I didn’t want to be physically involved with him, and I was worried he would press it. I was so worried, that I insisted that Cantaloupe [now her roommate] and I had a rule about guests not sharing beds, and made him sleep on the floor. That night there was a party, but we stayed in, while Cantaloupe went to it, because I didn’t want him drinking and I was worried what would happen if he did. I told him I wasn’t really feeling well, and wanted to stay in with him. That night he slept on the floor.

Later that night Cantaloupe and Tomato [one of their friends, who frequently spent the night in their room] returned, and shared Cantaloupe’s bed. Apple left later the next day. A few days later Apple and I were texting, and he got upset with me for not waking him up when Tomato came in so that he could share my bed. Apple had also been blocking the drawer Tomato had some pajamas in, but we didn’t wake him up because we didn’t want to bother him. He berated me for this, and said I had no right to make choices like that and I should have woken him up anyways. I apologized multiple times, and said it wouldn’t happen again.

Shortly after, I ended up talking to my dad on the phone, and he praised me for something, I don’t remember what. Either way, I remember getting off the phone and bursting into tears because it was so much better than being told I couldn’t do anything right, than him [Apple] being angry over stupid shit.

In the next few weeks I sought advice from several people, still keeping in contact with Apple, who apologized for getting upset, though he admitted it still bothered him. In those weeks I made the decision that I was going to talk to Apple when I went home for Winter Break. That I thought he should get some sort of help, because he also had admitted to me that he’d suffered from anger issues.

I went home and the next Friday I finally saw him. I remember being extremely anxious that entire evening. It took me a while to get the nerve up and mention it, but I finally did. I told him how I felt, how I’d been feeling, and how he made me feel. He apologized, said he didn’t realize that he’d made me feel like that. He said he would change, that he would go to counseling. At one point, I remember asking him, “But what if it doesn’t change?”

There were so many times that night I almost took it back, I almost said nevermind, we're fine, you’re fine. We can keep going, I can stay. After the longest conversation of my life he said, “it sounds like we should break up.” I hemmed and hawed, and finally admitted that yes, we probably should.

My mom eventually showed up, because I still didn’t have a license, and she came to take me home. I remember him standing by the door, and I hugged him before I left, why, I don’t fucking know. I think I was terrified that things were about to change, because I did love him, I loved a lot of the time we were together. But things hadn’t been good in a while. I walked to my mom’s car and got in, I didn’t turn around and look at him. As soon as she started the car, I admitted that Apple and I had broke up. I started sobbing. My mom asked me if it had to be like that. I said yes.

I didn’t hear from him for a little while after that. He called me up two weeks later, begged me to give us another chance, that we could work things out. I remember ignoring his call, and then messaging him, telling him that it was for the best that we didn’t. I knew if I talked to him that I would get back with him, or even just to meet and talk and I couldn’t, I knew it would be a disaster. I knew I would melt and try to put things back to normal.

The last thing he said to me was, “Good luck finding someone who’s never willing to argue with you.” He didn’t understand why it was ending. Even after everything, he didn’t get it.

I haven’t talked to him since that day.

I thought I was communicating well. I thought I was so on top of it. It’s something I’ve prided myself on. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how good you are at communicating. Communication is absolutely important. I stand by that 100%.

Ultimately it was my fault, I think. I could have acted differently about some things. The things he was accusing me of, for making decisions I had no right to make, for not thinking about him, for being entirely selfish. It wasn’t good for the way he was behaving. But I feel guilty. If I’d behaved differently maybe things wouldn’t have gone they way they had. That’s probably ridiculous because it’s been over two years since it ended. I still think about it alot. I still look back sometimes and I still say to myself and wonder, “Was it as bad as I thought it was? What if I met with him or answered the phone, or turned around that night? What if I had said something different? If I’d just taken it all back? If things could have been fixed?”

I’m getting better at communicating. I’ve become a lot more wary. I always need an out. I always need to know how to do it by myself, how to leave.

I’ve been seeing a [new] guy on and off for two years. I’ve been horribly wishy-washy. He’s a really great guy. But I’ve had an unwillingness to commit. I saw him again over spring break. I asked to borrow the car to drive myself home. I had a nice time, but I had that power. It meant a lot. I really hope I get to a point where I don’t need to make sure I have the car keys in my purse ready to go even though I know everything is going to be perfectly fine. He makes me hope that I can have the courage to feel like that again. I want to be serious. I’m sick of being scared of the past, and letting it consume me.

You never know how a relationship is going to go. You can never see it from start to finish. And sometimes that’s hard, uncertainty is hard. But there’s still good moments. I still have good memories.

Peach and Apple shared their first kiss on Halloween. They had just started dating, and everything was exciting and new. They were at a party with a group of friends. She was dressed as Little Red Riding Hood, and he was wearing a wolf mask. She remembered talking about it with Cantaloupe. “I really wanna kiss him.” At first, she didn’t have the nerves. But as they were leaving, about to walk out the door, she turned around and gave him a really quick peck on the lips. He then grabbed her, spun her around, and kissed her again. She described it as one of the bravest moments she ever had.